About

Hi.

This blog is written in memory of my beautiful baby boy, James.

You can read our story here.

My name is Becky. I’ve been married to Mark since 2011, and we are both 36. We are parents to James,  our first and only child who we tragically lost as a newborn baby.  This blog documents my journey coping with life as I find it, after becoming a mother without her baby to hold.

A month after we lost James I felt the impulse to write a diary. I didn’t have my baby to shower with my love and I had to express myself another way.  So little made sense to me any more, and I found it helped me to process what I was experiencing.  The journey of every person going through the loss of a child is different. Each of us is individual with different life experiences and circumstances, and this can affect how we handle it.  But there is one common thread through everything I have read by others going through this loss, that no matter how long a baby lives for (and this includes in the womb) the depth of love and loss felt is universal, and it NEVER leaves us throughout the rest of our lives.  I aim to include some of my writings from the earliest days in this blog, in the hope it will help others navigating the painful journey of baby loss.  I hope it might also help others close to those undergoing the loss of a child, to better understand the loss, its depth and intensity.

They say that time is a healer, and eight months on, I don’t feel remotely healed, but somehow we are learning to live with what has happened.  We are incredibly sad, and always will be.  I can’t recall a day I have not cried.  Our baby SHOULD be here and I am angry.  However, it no feels like we are in the dark and the light of life is creeping back in.

We live in the British countryside, which we love.  We have found healing in nature, long walks, sessions of counselling and in trying to find ways to include James in our new lives.